Old Flames, New Beginnings: Break Free Of Old Patterns To Build A New Love Story
I had just moved from LA to Seattle when I decided to fly to my hometown just outside of Cleveland, Ohio to visit my family. While I was there, I unexpectedly met up with an old flame from high school. Not just any old flame, this guy was my first love – literally the template for the men I’ve dated all my life. The class clown, bad boy, sports star, and dreamboat all wrapped up into one. He was tall, dark, and handsome. He was the guy I worshiped from afar, who dated all my friends, but never me. I had a massive crush on him from the 4th grade until we graduated, and after I left for college, I never saw him again, but I thought about him from time to time in a kind of “if only” wistful fantasy.
The first night of my trip home, I was meeting my brother for drinks at the oddly named London Pickle Works (a ramshackle dive) when the woman seated next to me told me that she just texted the old flame and he said he’s on his way.
“Why?” I asked, genuinely surprised to even hear his name let alone that he was on his way to the Pickle, as it’s affectionately called.
“To see you!” She said, smiling like this is all so amazing. “He told me to tell you not to leave.”
I looked at her and laughed and said, “Why would he want to see me?”
I was honestly confused. In our graduating class of 100 kids believe me when I say it’s hard to imagine someone not knowing you, and yet I would not be surprised if this guy passed me on the street and didn’t look twice. He spent our childhood looking through me, not at me.
“He’s not coming,” I said to the woman who texted him. “And that’s fine.” And I laughed again to show her how fine it was, and to hide the fact that I was annoyed that she texted him in the first place. Did he think I asked her to text him? Infuriated, I told my brother I was heading out soon.
Ten minutes later he was standing in front of me, looking at me like he just won a prize.
“Nancy Hala,” he said (positive identification, I’ll give him that). “Look at you.”
As he began to sweep me off my feet I thought, “Oh my gosh… is this my love story? She reunites with her high school unrequited love decades later, in their 50s? It’s just like a movie!” In fact, it was exactly like so many movies I’ve seen - Sandra or Reese or whoever going back home to a small town and finding true love in the most unlikely place.
From Whirlwind Romance to Reality Check
It was a whirlwind affair. A love-bomb cyclone, with all the drama, tension, highs, and lows that come with it. Even though we fought what seemed like a lot for such a new romance, within weeks he was making plans to move to Seattle and get married. My rational mind told me that this was insane and impossible, but my high-school-lonely-girl-self joined hands with my rom-com-loving-self and I became obsessed with what a great story this is! and didn't pay too much attention to what a dismal relationship it was.
After a few months, I snapped out of it and broke up with him. Back in Seattle, I let some time go by and then refreshed my Hinge and Bumble dating profiles, tentatively making a date here and there. My heart wasn’t in it, but still, I was determined not to give up on love.
One Saturday, months after we’d parted ways, he texted me out of the blue, “Just saying hi, how are you?” I answered with a brief but nice message. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and I thought, naively, we could possibly be friends. Seconds later, he sent a long and rambling text (obviously pre-written and tee-d up to go). He met someone amazing. His entire family loves her. She’s an incredible cook. He’s so happy and so in love. Oh, and that’s not all. He’s hanging out again with all my high school girlfriends, having the time of his life. Truly, he’s never been better.
Break Free from Old Patterns and Embrace Clarity
I got that it was meant to hurt my feelings, and it did, but mostly because the behavior was so familiar, I practically saw it coming. I sat down on my couch and said these words out loud to only me: “If you want a different love story, you have to look for a different kind of man.”
A few minutes later, I realized I had a date scheduled that night at a little Italian restaurant down the street from where I lived. Meeting someone new, making small talk on a bar stool – it was the last thing in the world I wanted to do at that moment. But I couldn't cancel, not this late on a Saturday. So, I put on my dating uniform (black on black on black), freshened my lipstick, fluffed my hair, and walked out the door. On my way to the restaurant, I thought to myself, “Look for a different kind of man.”
David was there waiting for me. As we talked, I found out he didn’t live in Seattle at all. He drove in from Bellingham, a small town I’d never heard of 90 miles north of where I lived. That got my interest – to drive all that way for a drink and a chat? He was quiet, almost shy, but funny and smart. He asked questions and wanted to hear my stories. He was confident enough to let the evening unfold slowly and naturally. No life-of-the-party persona. No crazy talk.
Realizing he had a long drive home ahead of him that evening, I broke my “first date, one or two drinks only” dating rule and asked if he was hungry. And without missing a beat, he said, “I would love to take you to dinner.”
We went to a little bistro around the corner and had the loveliest, calmest, sweetest, and dearest first date of my life. Just two adult people talking. Taking it one step at a time. For some of you this may seem like no big deal. For me, it was life changing.
From Disillusionment to Hope: Find Comfort in the Unexpected
I think I met David at that exact moment for one reason: I was finally ready. After a lifetime of guys who either wanted to carry me off, change me completely, or just reject me, here was someone who simply wanted to get to know me. At any other time, our courtship would have seemed too slow. I was addicted to big talk and grand gestures. But when I finally saw how empty those gestures were, this quietly confident, caring man was like a dream come true.
And soon enough, I could see David was making plans of his own. At the end of every evening there was mention of a next time – dinner the following week, a hockey game in Vancouver, a whale watching trip in Anacortes. Always something on the horizon, letting me know he was there if I wanted him.
Build a New Love Story
On September 18, 2021, David and I were married at my best friend’s house in Cleveland. The tent in her beautiful backyard was filled with flowers, candlelight, music, dancing, friends, family, delicious food, tear-filled toasts, and most of all LOVE. So much love, from all sides. People who knew us and knew what it meant that we found each other. Against all odds, in the middle of life, there we were. Me in a wedding dress, him in a tux. I felt like a princess, and he makes me feel that way every day.
Celebrate Love and New Beginnings
I wanted a different love story. So, I opened my eyes and opened my heart and changed my mindset about everything I thought I knew. I looked for a different kind of man. And I found him.
