It’s not a failure, it’s an ending. It’s not shameful, it’s brave. You are not losing a marriage, you are gaining your freedom from a relationship that no longer served you.
Most people go into marriage believing it will last forever. When it doesn’t, it’s healthy to hold space for feelings of sadness and loss. And by all means take the time you need to process the whole gamut of your feelings – joy and despair, relief and resentment – about your divorce.
Divorce can be a potent moment of reflection. And if you take stock of who you are NOW, it can help get you ready to find love again.
When you’re ready to get out there and start dating after your divorce, here are a few things to keep in mind…
Date yourself first
Think of all the times you’ve met someone exciting. You can't wait to know all about them, from what they think and feel to how they spend their time. Now take that spotlight and shine it inward – spend some time getting to know YOURSELF.
Jumping right into dating after a divorce robs you of the chance to do a little personal inventory. You are an ever-evolving creature. Chances are you’ve changed! What do you like now that’s different from before? What would you prefer to never experience again? What draws you in and what turns you off? Spend some quality time alone asking yourself these questions. Now’s your moment to snuggle up with your own beautiful self.
Be mindful of your energy
If you are still mourning the ending of your marriage, give it a beat before firing up the dating apps. Don’t listen to people who want to push you out there when you aren't ready. While lots of people in your life may have opinions about how to navigate your divorce and post-divorce life, remember that this is yours to design. Listen to your own voice and make your own rules.
When you’re dating after divorce, you want your energy to be clear, strong, and ready to find love again. If you’re dragging yourself on dates because you think “you should”, you will likely attract equally disinterested and unmotivated people. Give yourself the time and space to be ready to look for love again.
Be prepared to break old patterns
The freedom that comes with divorce means it's time to bust out some new moves. You will probably surprise yourself when you realize how old relationship patterns and behaviors no longer interest you. You want something different. But how do you get there?
First, understand that this starts with YOU. It’s not so much about looking at what your partner is doing or saying, but how you respond to those cues. Ask yourself what parts of your response you want to change. For example, I used to fall head over heels for men who love-bombed me. I once had a first date that lasted 11 hours and ended in a marriage proposal. Did I shake my head and vow to never see him again? Nope. That relationship lingered on for months before it finally imploded.
Then, I changed my focus. I looked back at that time in my life and stumbled on a big AHA – I realized that I only thought love was real when it was loud, showy, and over-the-top. The slow roll held no interest for me. Recognizing this helped me fundamentally change my approach to love.
Finding Love after divorce
This is a journey only those of us who have been on can truly understand. It’s heartbreak and optimism all rolled into one. The best place to start is by taking care of yourself, and taking the rest one step at a time.
