A case for taking it slow

Midlife Dating Chronicles: Re-Learning How To Enjoy The Courtship

When I was dating the man who is now my husband, I spent the entirety of our fourth date wondering if he liked me or not because he, unlike so many of the men I’d dated over the past 22 years, was taking his time getting to know me.

Our fourth date took place on a stormy Pacific Northwestern night. David picked me up at the Bellingham train station on my way from Vancouver BC back to Seattle. Our evening was set for a nice dinner, and then he’d drive me all the way back to Seattle and turn around and drive himself home. I was enjoying the courtship. It felt romantic and fun, being met at a train station then squired home. How charming!

After dinner, the thunderstorm that had been brewing for hours finally broke. It was pouring rain. We stood under the awning outside the restaurant, calculating how to get to his car.

“We’re going to have to run for it,” David said. “I’m parked right down the street.”

Decipher Signals: Is He Interested?

We pulled jackets over our heads and ran to the car, laughing and shouting. When we were inside, shaking the rain off, he said, “I have an idea. Want to see something?”

He drove us to a nearby spot and parked the car. I could see water glimmering under the lightning strikes. It was Bellingham Bay.

“This is a great place to watch a storm,” he said.

We sat in the car watching the sky light up in dramatic bursts. We talked softly under the booming thunder. We sat there. And sat there. And sat.

The whole time I was thinking, This is the moment. This will be our first kiss. What could possibly be better? It’s cinematic. What’s he waiting for?

After a little while he said, “Ok. Ready to go?”

“Um, sure. Where are we going?”

“I’m going to drive you back to Seattle now.”

For the next 90 minutes – the entire ride to my house – I tried to figure this guy out. Does he even like me? Does he just want to be friends? Is he seeing other people? WHAT IS GOING ON?

A Shift in Perspective: Slower, Steadier Dating

Little did I know that not only did he like me, he really liked me. So much so that he didn’t want to move too fast for fear of ruining this good thing that was unfolding nicely (and slowly) between us. Imagine that. I was dating a mature, sensitive, thoughtful grown man. And it totally threw me off my game. While I was sweating over my mental gymnastics, my date and future husband was sitting right next to me, enjoying the view. .

(To hear David tell this story now, he always punctuates it with: “It was all according to my plan. And look how it worked out!” He’s certainly not wrong.).

Dating in midlife means taking an honest look at how you date, what you’re used to, and all the ways your (out-dated) expectations might sabotage you before you even begin.

Rewrite the Script: Midlife Dating Realities

It might be true that once upon a time in your 30s you met a guy. Maybe this guy rode a motorcycle. Maybe the minute you locked eyes, you felt your stomach drop, and the next thing you knew you were on the back of that bike speeding down Lake Shore Drive. (This totally hypothetical story takes place in Chicago.)

Embrace Grounded Love Over Romantic Fantasies

And maybe, even though that romance didn’t pan out, you've been chasing that stomach dropping, wind-in-your-hair feeling for years and years. Over time, you began to equate those out-of-control feelings with LOVE. You’ve conflated your decades-old stories with the truth about what actually happened. You’re mixing up high-voltage romantic fairy tales with true, grounded love.

Finding Love in Midlife

If you’re dating in the middle of life, you want your feet on the ground. That doesn't mean that your heart shouldn't skip a beat when you’re with your beloved, but you want the realness of love, not the fantasy of it. .

At this stage of your life, dating might go much slower than you remember it from your early years. And that’s a good thing. You’re smarter now. You know what you’re looking for and you’re patient enough to find it. .

Dating is a numbers game and that number may not (and probably will not) be number one or even numbers one through ten. That’s ok. Play the long game. Give yourself time to find what you’re really looking for.

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